5 Signs Your Inner Child Is Running Your Life (And What to Do About It)

You're an adult. You pay bills, show up to work, take care of people. From the outside, you've got it together.

But on the inside? You're exhausted from people-pleasing. You can't set boundaries without drowning in guilt. And just when things start going well, you find a way to sabotage them.

Here's what's actually happening: Your inner child—the part of you that learned how to survive difficult circumstances when you were young—is still running the show.

The problem? Those survival strategies that kept you safe as a kid are now keeping you stuck as an adult.

Let's talk about the five most common signs—and what you can do about them.

The Five Signs

1 You Overfunction in Relationships

You're always the one who texts first. Plans the hangout. Checks in on everyone. Makes sure everyone else is okay.

Meanwhile, you're running on empty because no one's checking on you.

This pattern usually starts in childhood when you had to be "the responsible one"—the kid who took care of younger siblings, managed a parent's emotions, or kept the peace in a chaotic home.

Your younger self learned: If I make myself useful, I won't be abandoned. And now, decades later, you're still proving your worth through exhaustion.

What to do: Start noticing when you're doing things out of obligation versus genuine desire. Practice letting others initiate. It will feel uncomfortable—that's your inner child panicking. Reassure them: "We're safe even when we're not useful."

2 Criticism Feels Like an Attack (Even When It's Constructive)

Someone offers feedback at work—neutral, helpful feedback—and you feel like you've been punched in the chest.

You replay the conversation for days. Spiral into shame. Wonder if they secretly hate you.

This reaction isn't about the feedback itself. It's about what criticism meant when you were young. Maybe it came with rage. Maybe it meant you were "bad." Maybe it meant love was withdrawn.

Your inner child learned: Criticism = I'm not safe. So now, even gentle feedback activates that old alarm system.

What to do: When criticism lands hard, pause. Ask yourself: "How old do I feel right now?" Often, you'll realize you feel 8 years old. Speak to that younger part: "I know this feels scary, but we're not in danger. This person isn't Mom/Dad/that teacher. We can hear this and still be okay."

3 You Sabotage Things When They're Going Well

New relationship going great? You pick a fight or pull away.

Finally getting recognition at work? You downplay your achievements or procrastinate on the next project.

Things feel stable for once? You create chaos—consciously or unconsciously.

This one's tricky because it looks like self-destruction, but it's actually self-protection.

If your childhood was unpredictable—if love, safety, or approval could disappear at any moment—your nervous system learned that "good" doesn't last. So when things go well now, your inner child panics: This is temporary. It's going to fall apart. I should end it first so it hurts less.

What to do: When you notice the sabotage pattern starting, get curious instead of critical. "What am I afraid will happen if this actually works out?" Usually, the answer is: "I'll lose it, and it will destroy me." Then you can reassure your inner child: "We've survived loss before. We can handle whatever comes. But we don't have to destroy good things to protect ourselves from potential pain."

4 You Can't Set Boundaries Without Drowning in Guilt

Someone asks you for something. You don't want to do it. You know you should say no.

But you say yes anyway. Then you resent them—and yourself.

Or you do say no... and then spend the next three days feeling like a terrible person.

This happens when your younger self learned that saying "no" led to consequences: anger, rejection, the silent treatment, being called "selfish" or "difficult."

Your inner child learned: My needs are less important than keeping the peace. And now, every boundary feels like a betrayal—of them or of you.

What to do: Start small. Say no to low-stakes things and sit with the discomfort. "No, I can't make it tonight." Don't over-explain. Notice the guilt—it's just your inner child's alarm bell, not truth. Remind yourself: "Boundaries aren't mean. They're how I take care of us."

5 You Feel Like You're Constantly Proving Yourself

You achieve something—and immediately move the goalpost.

You never feel "enough," no matter how much you accomplish. There's always something more you should be doing, improving, fixing.

Rest feels impossible because rest feels like failure.

This pattern often starts when love or approval was conditional. When you had to earn it by being good, being perfect, being successful, being convenient.

Your inner child learned: I am what I achieve. If I stop performing, I'll be unlovable. And now, you're running a race with no finish line.

What to do: Practice existing without producing. Sit in a room and do nothing. Journal this question: "Who am I when I'm not accomplishing anything?" The answer might terrify your inner child—because if you're not your achievements, who are you? The truth: You're inherently valuable. You always were. Your younger self just never got to learn that.

So... Now What?

If you saw yourself in any of these signs (or all of them—no judgment), here's the good news: These patterns aren't permanent.

They're not character flaws. They're not evidence that you're broken or "too much" or "not enough."

They're adaptive strategies that helped you survive. And now that you're safe, you can gently update them.

You can do some of this work on your own: journaling, self-compassion practices, gently noticing when you're reacting from a younger place.

But sometimes, you need support. Someone who can hold space while you untangle these patterns. Someone who can help your inner child feel safe enough to let go.

That's where I come in.